


Sometimes Love is Letting Go

by MadamePresident2032



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Protective Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 00:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18487357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamePresident2032/pseuds/MadamePresident2032
Summary: When the Lightwoods were children, Jace had always teased his older brother for being a momma’s boy, and at the time Alec had been horrifically embarrassed by the comments, but now it was a truth that he could not deny. Standing here in the darkness, shaking with an unnatural mixture of grief and guilt, Alec Lightwood could not deny that he needed his mother.****Maryse comforts her son in the aftermath of Alec and Magnus' breakup.





	Sometimes Love is Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This was a product of my own emotional distress. I apologize for the amount of sadness you are about to read.

It was late at night when Alec brought a trembling hand to knock on his mother’s door, far too late for him to be here but he could not think of another person to go to. The unbridled emotions running through him made thinking a luxury he could not afford, so he let his feet carry him to a place he knew he would be safe. When the Lightwoods were children, Jace had always teased his older brother for being a momma’s boy, and at the time Alec had been horrifically embarrassed by the comments, but now it was a truth that he could not deny. Standing here in the darkness, shaking with an unnatural mixture of grief and guilt, Alec Lightwood could not deny that he needed his mother. 

It took a few minutes, but Alec could hear feet shuffling gracefully shuffling across the floor. Despite losing her runes, Maryse Lightwood was still a Shadowhunter, and she had not lost her touch. With the late hour Alec expected his mother to take her time, make sure that she was safe from any potential threats, before just casually opening the door. He knew the exact moment she had looked through the peephole due to the muffled gasp that made its way through the cracks of the door. As the locks were coming undone Alec attempted to pull himself together, bringing up a hand to press into his eyes and wipe away the burning tears that threatened to fall, and when he looked up Maryse stood before him with a face bare of makeup and full of concern. 

“Alec?” Her tone is what broke him, it was too much like the voice she made when he was a kid. Tears erupted from hazel eyes and a sob flew from Alec’s mouth before he could stop it. All the control he had been fighting to maintain since he walked into the bookshop with the mission to break Magnus’ heart was gone, he physically could not keep up the act any longer and now he needed to fall apart. “Oh Alec...” Maryse said while raising her arms, “comer here baby.” Alec took the offer and miserably threw himself into her awaiting embrace. 

For a few moments Maryse rocked her son as he let out the most woeful wails she had ever heard. “Shhh sweetheart, shhh, you’re going to be okay. Whatever it is, it is going to be okay.” The words left her mouth before she could even think about it, just like her hands just new to rub soothing circles along her son’s back. 

“No.” Alec whispered into his mother’s shoulder. “No, it isn’t.” 

Maryse pushed Alec from her arms, an action that caused a look of betrayal to grace his already devastated face. “I’m not making you go baby, don’t worry.” Maryse moved her hands up to cup Alec’s jaw and she ran her thumbs along his cheeks. “I just was going to suggest that you come inside. It would probably be more comfortable then this dingy threshold.” 

Alec nodded and allowed for his mother to guide him inside her new place. Although Alec had helped her move into the small townhome, he had never seen the place fully decorated. Alec’s eyes drifted across the living room that his mother brought him into and he could not help but smile, the place definitely looked like a home and a small part of his heart wondered what it would have been like to grow up in a house like this instead of the Institute. “You did a good job mom.” Alec complimented. 

“Thank you.” Maryse said as she walked over to a comfortable looking sofa. Before she sat down, she turned to her son and beckoned him to come over. Alec hesitated for a second, all of his life he was taught that emotions were a distraction and he should be ashamed to show them. The very woman that was calling him over taught him that philosophy. 

Alec could remember that conversation clearly, it was just after he had gotten his Angelic Rune. Both of his parents had been so proud of him that day, and when his mom had taken him into his room so they could have a “special talk” Alec had been excited. The excitement quickly faded because this special talk differed from all of the others before it, his mom didn’t start it off with a smile or by stroking his hair, she did not sit next to him or pull him into a hug, and she exclusively referred to him as Alexander despite knowing he hated being called by his full name. That was the day that Alec Lightwood stopped being his mother’s baby, it was the day he was told he had to start becoming a Shadowhunter. That day was supposed to be one of the most special days in his life, yet he remembers his heart shattering because when he held up his arms for a hug his mother had walked away. 

Alec cried in his bed that night, but the next morning he emerged from his room the man his parents wanted him to be. He was no longer a boy; he was a soldier and he needed to set an example for his siblings. 

“Alec where did you go?” Maryse’s question brought Alec back to reality. 

“What?” Alec asked. 

“You looked lost for a moment.” Maryse didn’t try to call her son over again, instead she walked to him and gently grabbed his arm. She led him the sofa, just as she had led him into her home. “I need you to tell me what is going on, otherwise I won’t be able to fix anything.” 

Alec’s head dropped down; his eyes more interested in Maryse’s shoes than her face. “Baby what’s wrong?” She asked again. 

“You can’t fix it mom.” Alec whispered while turning his back to his mom. He brought his arm up and wiped his face with his jacket. “Everything is broken, and nobody can fix it.” 

“You’re scaring me Alec. What happened?” Maryse let her hands rest on her son’s shoulders, but he jerked away at the touch. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec quickly apologized. 

“You don’t need to be sorry, just tell me what is going on.” Maryse took a slow step forward, not wanting to spook her son again. “Let’s just sit down and you can tell me what happened, okay?” 

Alec turned to look at her again and the sight she was met with was a knife to the heart. Her precious boy’s lips were quivering, almost like a gate that was being slowly battered down by a monster trying to escape. 

“You’re going to be mad at me.” Alec whimpered. Alec knew that what he had just said was childish, probably the most immature thing he had said since that fateful day he got his first rune, but he didn’t care. Alec deserved this moment, he deserved to be a kid and throw himself onto the floor in a tantrum because he just had to give up the person that he loved most in this world, and that was by far a mature enough act to warrant an immature response. 

Maryse pulled her son down onto the couch and cupped his face that way she could force him to look at her. “Alexander Gideon Lightwood,” Alec flinched when his mom said his full name, it brought back memories of Asmodeus and his deal, “I love you with all of my heart. You and your siblings are my everything and I do not care what it is that you have done, I promise I will still love you and I will stand by your side.” The confession brought tears to both of their eyes. It wasn’t lost on Maryse that just a few short months ago she was hardly the mother her son needed, but she had grown and changed, and, in this moment, she had said what he needed to hear. 

After hearing his mother’s words a few more tears slipped down Alec’s cheeks, leaving stains behind like scars. “I broke up with Magnus.”

The shock from the statement caused Maryse to lean back. She regretted the action immediately because Alec pulled his face away from her touch and he nearly collapsed into himself, closing himself off from her and the world. “Alec,” Maryse pulled at her son’s arm. He was strong and hard to move when he was determined, but currently, he was pliable because his limbs were limp with despair. Once she had forced him out of his cocoon, she grabbed his chin and turned his face to look at her once again. “Alec I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think I was upset with you.” 

Alec’s breathing became erratic, he could feel himself losing control again now that his mother had shown she wasn’t going to yell at him for once again screwing everything up. “I didn’t want to.” Alec gasped out like a drowning man trying to find air. “I didn’t want to mom, I didn’t want to.” Alec’s hands shot to his head and he pulled at his hair while rocking himself back and forth. “I didn’t want to.” He whispered again. 

Maryse was horrified at the sight in front of her. It was no secret to her that Alec struggled with depression, after all, she was there when he had thrown himself off of Magnus’ balcony. But the sorrow she was witnessing now was on a completely different level. For an entire minute she was too stunned to move, her eyes just followed her son as he rocked himself and whispered the same few words over and over again. Finally, she regained control. 

Alec felt a hand on each shoulder, and he realized he was being pulled down into a lying position. He landed with his head in his mother’s lap and soothing fingers were grazing through his hair. An old Spanish lullaby that Alec had not heard since Max was two filled the living room. And for the first time that night Alec felt safe. The world around him was still irreparably broken, but his mother was acting as a shield and holding him together. 

After the song ended Maryse began to hum, there wasn’t a particular tune she was following but she needed something to do while waiting for her darling son to decide he was ready to talk again. They stayed like that for nearly twenty minutes, Alec’s cries slowing turning into hiccups and drifting finally into sniffles. Still Maryse waited, Alec needed to be the one to start their discussion again. 

Eventually Alec shifted his lengthy body so that his face was looking at his mother’s stomach rather than the living room’s TV. He didn’t want to see his pathetic reflection any longer, he would rather hide away into the warm comfort his mother was giving him. “I didn’t have a choice.” Alec said while tracing the sofa’s pattern with his pointer finger. He used to do that as a kid too, but instead of intricate couch designs he would trace his mother’s runes. He couldn’t do that now, so he settled for the sofa. 

“I believe you.” After Maryse said that, she heard Alec release a relieved sigh. “I told you baby; I will always stand by you. I wasn’t lying.” 

“I know.” Alec said, but he closed his eyes in frustration. Maryse began her ministrations again, running her fingers through Alec’s wild locks. “I know mom, but I’m still made at me, so I expect everyone else to be mad at me too.” 

“Alec,” Maryse once again grabbed his chin and guided his face to looking at her, “I know you, and I know that you would never do something this drastic unless you believed it was the only way.” 

“It was.” If her son’s heart wasn’t broken right in front of her right now, she would have smiled at the pout he was currently sporting. 

“Tell me what happened. I promise I won’t be mad at you.” Maryse prompted for what felt like the hundredth time. However, she could not let her frustration at not having the full picture yet show, otherwise Alec might take it as her breaking her promise to remain in his corner. 

Alec sat himself up, believing that this conversation should not held between himself and his mother’s stomach. “I didn’t propose to Magnus last night.”

“I noticed he wasn’t wearing the family ring when he came to visit me. He told me that he had a drunken emotional break down at the dinner.” Alec’s eyes widened with shock at what his mother had said. He had never expected Magnus to open up to his mother like that, he had hoped for it but never expected it. 

“He said some things. They were horrible to hear, but he was being honest, and I needed to hear them.” Alec sighed and rubbed his hands together. Maryse did not like how ruff he was being with himself, it was concerning, but she did not want to take him out of this moment. “He told me that I finally got what I wanted, because he is basically a mundane now.” 

“Alec that isn’t true,” Maryse cut in. 

“But it is.” Alec turned to look at his mother with bloodshot eyes on the verge of even more tears. “When he lost his magic there was a part of me that was happy. I wanted to grow old with him mom! I didn’t want him to be young and vital while I was a geriatric burden! And it made me selfish and horrible, but I didn’t care because at least I could be selfish and horrible with the love of my life. And now that isn’t even true anymore!” 

Maryse grabbed her son’s hands whenever she saw he increased the intensity his pinching during the emotional outburst. He looked down for a moment and then back at her, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Maryse brought the hands up and kissed them, serving as a reminder that she was here, and she loved him. “Alec, sweetheart, don’t beat yourself up over this. You can’t stop how you feel, and there is nothing wrong about being excited to grow old with the man you love.”

“There is whenever the man you love isn’t happy to grow old with you.” Alec fired back. “He was miserable mom. He hated himself because the core part of his identity had been taken from him. Everything that he thought make him who he was, was gone in a second and it was because he loved me.” 

“Please don’t blame yourself Alec. This wasn’t your fault.” Maryse brought said and kissed his hands again; hoping against all hope her kiss would bring him some form of healing. 

“He’s lost everything mom. His job, his powers, his home, and all that has happened since him and I started dating. His love for me was the catalyst for his suffering. I’ve been nothing but a cancer to him.” Alec’s voice choked on his last sentence, because in that moment he was repeating the sentiment Asmodeus made before offering his deal. 

“No.” Maryse’s voice was ice cold. “No, I will not hear you say something like that. Alec you are not, nor have you ever been, a cancer. You have the greatest capacity for love that I have ever seen, and I will not sit here and listen to you spew horrible lies about yourself.” 

Alec shot off the couch turning to his mother with a righteous fury she had never before seen behind his eyes. “Then give me another explanation, because I have run through every scenario in my head, and everything comes up the same! Magnus would have been happier if I had stayed up at the alter! But because I couldn’t go back in time, I had to solve the problem that was in front of me!” Alec paced the floor in front of his mother.   
“Alec, what did you do?” Maryse asked. 

Alec sighed and rubbed his neck, knowing that he was about to hear his mother’s disapproval, despite her earlier promise, “I went to a warlock that could channel Asmodeus. I wanted to make a deal to get Magnus his magic and immortality back.” 

“You did what?” Maryse stood and crossed her arms, trying her best to keep her composure. 

“I talked with Asmodeus and made a deal.” Alec repeated. 

“That is why you broke up with Magnus.” Maryse said as she finally had enough pieces to put the puzzle together. “That was his price.” 

“Yes.” Alec said. This time when Maryse looked at her son, she saw a man walking towards the gallows, resigned to his fate and facing it with dignity. 

“You sacrificed your own happiness for his.” A queasiness burrowed itself into her stomach, the only thing preventing her from running to her bathroom and giving into the sickness being the need to stay strong for her son. 

“Yes.” Alec said again. 

“Did you tell him? Did you give Magnus a choice in all of this?” Maryse found herself hoping that Magnus didn’t choose this. She had just told the man that he was family, and if he turned around and chose his Magnus over her boy, well she didn’t know what she would do but it would probably be murderous. 

“Asmodeus said that if Magnus ever found out the deal would be off.” Maryse cursed that damned demon. How dare he put her son and his partner in this kind of position. “I didn’t have a real choice mom. Magnus was inconsolable without his magic; it was a pain he could never recover from.” Alec closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths, “But he can recover from losing me. He has loved people before and moved on, he can move on from me too. That is what was destined to happen in the first place.” 

Maryse moved in closer to her son, once again pulling him into an embrace. “I guess I did get my wish in some way. Now I won’t be a burden to him when I’m old.” The admission caused Alec to pull his mother even closer. Maryse returned to whispering sweet nothings to her son and rubbing his back, attempting to put at least some of his broken pieces back together. 

“You are truly the most selfless man I have ever met.” Maryse said, a slight tremor present in her voice. “I’m so sorry this happened baby. You deserved a grand love story, and this should have never happened to you.”   
“I only care about Magnus’ happiness, if he gets that back I can survive.” Alec said into his mother’s hair. 

They stood in silence for a few minutes, Alec just trying to soak up the comfort his mother was offering him. Tonight, he had broken every rule that his mother had set for him in their “special talk” after his rune ceremony, but it seemed that those rules had been disregarded by both of them. It was that knowledge that gave Alec the courage to ask if he could stay with his mom for the night. It had been ages since Alec had found himself crawling into bed with his mother, but he could not bring himself to be embarrassed about making the request. 

He had stabbed himself in the heart tonight and he needed his mom, so he felt no shame as she led him into the bedroom and tucked him under a heavy comforter. Alec knew that the mornings to come were going to be unbearably painful, because he had sentenced himself to living the rest of his life without a heart, but for now he decided to forget the pain if only temporarily and focus on the slender fingers running through his hair and guiding him into a much needed rest. 

Once Maryse saw that her son had finally drifted to sleep she allowed her silent tears to fall. A grief that was not her own had taken residence in her heart, and now she was left looking at the sleeping figure of her mangled son. She would not allow this to continue. Maryse had scarified love, she would not allow her son to do the same. One way or another Maryse would see her boy reunite with Magnus Bane, and if that meant she personally had to drive a blade through Asmodeus’ chest, then that is exactly what she would do.

**Author's Note:**

> I said I was sorry...


End file.
